It doesn’t take too much brainpower to mock Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, who told the world boobs apparently cause earthquakes. Yes, literally. No, he wasn’t kidding. “Many women who do not dress modestly...lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity, and spread adultery in society,” he said, “which increases earthquakes.”
Now, come on. Mocking a guy who says that stuff like that is like trying to get the Kardashians to stop using “awesome.” And also, if what he said was true, then all we can say to the cast of Baywatch Hawaii is this: RUN.
So anyway, because of the sheer idiocy of the situation, the world just moved on and left the cleric alone to his aversion to plate tectonics and love for the boobquake theory.
No, wait. What happened was, the world decided that CNN should report it. That’s right. CNN, the giant freaking cable network that brought you 234 years of Larry King interviews. So people started laughing at how much the cable network has changed and how the mighty have fallen, and then moved on.
No, wait. What happened was, people started a movement to test the theory. That’s right – a girl named Jennifer McCreight asked 200,000 women to show off as much cleavage as possible to show that women’s breasts will not cause earth-shattering events, at least in the literal sense. As you can imagine, a lot of men supported this movement. So CNN just scoffed at what a movement they helped create, and left the movement to die a natural death.
No, wait. CNN blogged more about it. And things started to spiral, as is usually the case when boobs are involved, out of control. And lo and behold, 200,000 women INDEED showed up in as little clothing as they could muster, like on a playboy party on steroids, but with less tact. And mother nature let us know, once and for all that boobs do not, in any way, shape, or form, cause earthquakes.
No wait. What happened was, mother nature sided with the nut jobs. On boobquake day, Taiwan INDEED had a 6.9 magnitude earthquake.
Take a second to think about that. Imagine Eddie Gil promising to pay all Filipinos a million bucks, and then INDEED pushing through with it. Now imagine that in all facets of your life. Ricky Martin being straight. April Boy Regino getting a Grammy. Or a Pulitzer. Or both.
The next time you reach for your hippocampus to mock them about how absurd that is, they will have Boobquake day to reference. The nut jobs now own the streets. Everybody else is just passing through.
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