The Secret Diary of Kratos, Part 1: Family Issues

My name is Kratos. Father to a murdered child. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life or the… what’s that? Yes, I’m totally quoting from Gladiator, which is, like, the best thing ever. Maximus, if you ever need to learn how to gut centaurs, let’s talk.

Anyway, like I said, I’m Kratos, son of a dude called Zeus. Have you heard of him? He’s kind of a big deal. Ruler of Olympus and all.

I’m on my way to see him, riding my Grandmother’s back. Now, before you make any inappropriate jokes, lemme say that grammy is the size of a small park. No, that’s not exactly true. Her chest is the size of a small park. My family’s weird like that.

Gaia and I both have a beef with daddy. Gaia and the other titans want him to kick the bucket because he waged war on them; I have a beef with him because ever since I became a God (ahem), he’s been all emo on me.

Which brings us to me and Gaia, climbing Olympus. I’d say it’s a herculean task, but my brother Hercules is up there sending legionnaire-foot-soldier-idiots to slay me, and if he finds out I use his name as an expression, I’ll never hear the end of it. I mean, yes, he lifted a freaking planet once, but that dude has some serious ego issues.

He’s always like, “remember the time I chased that apple,” or like, “you know that time I wrestled a lion?” I’m like, “dude, it’s a LION. You’re a DEMI-GOD. Just sayin.”

He then threw a tower at me. If you’ve never been hit by a tower before, let me tell you, it hurts.

So as I was saying, Hercules sent legionnaire-foot-soldier-idiots to try and slay me. Let me tell you something about Olympians. They are eternal optimists. I see their logic at work and I think, by god, how did you survive this long being this retarded?

I mean, I’ve freaking slain enough Gorgons, Harpies, Chimeras, and whatever the plural form of Cyclops is, to populate Greece. I’ve killed fracking thousands of these legionnaires before. I’ve killed Gods, for Pete’s sake. So when I bring the fight to them with dozens of bad-ass titans, what do they do?

They send, like, eight legionnaire-foot-soldier-idiots to try and kill me. And hope for the best. Olymp-tards.

Anyway, I unleash my Blades of Athena™ and the legionnaire-foot-soldier-idiots make like butter. So a very angry Poseidon decides to play.

Uncle Poseidon is a fairly important guy. Part of the big three. He, Dad, and uncle Hades typically get the most screen time when movies, comic books, video games, ESPN, etc. depict Greek gods. Helios and Hermes are also out to stop me, but they’re more of the cannon fodder variety.

So anyway, Poseidon drops down and kills Epimetheus, a wimp of a titan. Uncle Poss is all like, “You’ve disrespected the gods for the last time.” I’m like, sure, but will you stop using the sea as a weapon for a second?

It was a long shot, but it was worth a try. Like I said, these Olymp-tards have the IQ of starfish.

Uncle Poss didn’t like that idea too much, and he sent sea horses after me, Gaia, and some nameless titans. The nameless titans fell like dominoes. Gaia started complaining a lot. She’s like, help me do this. Or, like, get rid of that. And I’m like, “shut up, kind of busy here too.”

Anyway, after ducking like, eight hundred very phallic sea horses, I took some cover inside Gaia. Eat that, uncle Poss. I was enjoying my respite. I’m fighting the God of the fracking Sea, and even he couldn’t get me. Suck it, uncle Poss. But jubilation was out of order. I saw Gaia’s heart and realized that I was…

Next on the Secret Diary of Kratos: Inside My Grammy’s Boobs