Hear Ye

This past week my earphones stopped working, finally settling the debate in my head that unlike underwear, you cannot use the same earphones for decades. It sounds extremely trivial, but I love those earphones; over the past year and a half, I have become increasingly reliant on that nifty little device.

“That is the bat island,” a tour-guide would say. “It’s called that way because there are lots of bats.”

At points like these, something in your head triggers. The brain has a way of coping, of course-correction, faced with this type of sheer lunacy. So you smile, knowing you’re going to be all right, and the people beside you hear a desperate rustling. “You can’t see it because of the rains but that’s the Starfish Island,” the tour-guide would continue, this time intending to do cause nerve damage. “It’s called that way because...”

Aaaaaaaand Coldplay.(Or if you prefer, Bonnie Tyler)

That’s the thing about earphones; you can elect not to finish that sentence.

So when my earphones finally gave out, there was some pretty heavy nostalgia, followed by a speedy trip to CDR King.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty happy with the way earphones work. Earphones are friends. You grab em, latch them onto an MP3 player, pull the cord and snap the earpieces on, and boom, Viva la Vida. (Or if you prefer, Total Eclipse of the Heart)

Tech stores are sporting a new trend, a dangerous trend, a trend that endangers the very fabric of technology. The items are called earbuds, and they are built for people who - saving precious seconds in the hygiene department - intend to clean their earwax while listening to music.

Here’s the thing - they work almost exactly like the earphones do. You grab em, latch them onto an MP3 player, pull the cord and snap the earpieces on, and boom, the earpieces FALL OFF. You wonder about this for a second, your brain going, and I’m quoting in verbatim, “huh.”

So you pull the cord and snap the earpieces so close to your eardrums that any form of movement will cause deafness, and hope that you remember never to, under any circumstances, keep the earpieces within 20 feet of any surface, unless that surface for some reason requires globs of earwax.

I say this is an outrage. I say we stand up to this before the gadget encroaches our very primal need to not listen to people talk about their bowel movements. Or to pretend to be listening to music while actually taking notes. What do you say? Come again?