Jeff, who has seaweeds for brains, needs a life

Sorry if this is not new to you, but I haven't been a member of Facebook for very long. In fact, I had viewed the social network the same with the same glasses that I had for, say, cockroach droppings. I know those things are there, I just didn’t like thinking about the subject.

Eventually, if anyone gave it enough thought, there’d probably be something to observe. (“those things look like black pepper?” or “did you know that image results come up first when you type in ‘cockroach droppings’ on Google?”)

But anyway, I’m trying to make sense of the whole social thing now, and man, have I been missing out. I mean, if anyone told me about what the news feeds read like, I’d have jumped on day one.

“X (or a random name, like Nicolas) commented on his OWN photo.”

“Nicolas commented on his OWN status message.”

“Nicolas has NO FRIENDS. Help him find people he knows.”

There are few ways to beat that in terms of making someone look like a complete loser, and this is something I am deeply, deeply interested in.

The thing is, these things are not accidents. They’re not missteps – they are calculated moves designed to make people more social, more cutesy, more actively engaged in commenting on anyone’s picture about the latest in flower-growth. And when those feeds are not there, people worry.

But then, what gives? If you’re Facebook, why pull your punches? If you’re willing to make someone look like a complete dope for not being social enough and not understanding the concept of captions, why not tell Nicolas that he needs a clue , and that he’s a complete dope who needs an IQ bump to get the concept of captions?

See, what facebook needs is a good subordinate clause. Or three.

“Nicolas, who is a knuckle-dragging jizz-wit™, commented on HIS OWN FREAKING photo.”

“Nicolas, who has the IQ of mayonnaise™, commented on his comment.”

“Nicolas, who has no life at all, needs your help finding friends.”