Hooray for Science

One of the things I hate about scientific studies is that by the time they are done, they almost always pick on me. Well, maybe not me specifically, but the groups I belong to and the things I enjoy. You’re always reading stuff like, “tofu makes you gay,” or “holiday weight can survive nuclear winters,” or even “gymmers possess lower IQs than typical wildlife.” Granted, these can be true. (and in the case of gymmers, it probably is)

But it’s not like they typically observe new things, like that you can float apples with magnets. No, they observe stuff like “grated lobster shells will not help you lose weight, cretin.” Researchers like those from Stanford, for instance, are only now learning the shocking truth that kids like food better when they come from McDonald’s packaging. Says the Stanford dudes in a TIME article, talking about 3 year old kids,

77% said the French fries in the bag stamped with the McDonald's arches and a smile tasted better than the fries from a plain white bag

I mean, come on. Kids would share Dung Beetle cuisine if it came out of a fast food bag. (and in the case of some 3 year olds, even when it doesn’t) Do we really need studies telling us this?

So it really pleases me, to the point of shock, that Brits from the universities of Durham and St Andrews are looking into very scientific fields that actually mean something - like desperately scratching for reasons that nerds rock. This is of particular importance as this is a demographic that I am deeply entrenched in, and the kind the research community likes to throw scientific tomatoes at. “Geeks several times more likely to develop carpal tunnel/ male pattern baldness,” they would say, or “dorks twenty times more likely to get wedgies.”

But no. For once, science likes me. Basically, a study conducted by dweebs is currently claiming that dweebs are in; feminine features are all the rage; wimps are seen as more suitable partners than square-jawed, dominant-looking men.

The geeks are declaring war. It’s a Spartan battle-cry that breaks the calm before the storm, transcending the unsteady calm into the chaos of brimstone and clashing metal, except with more controlled metaphors.

But the point is, watch out, jocks. The wimps are coming, and it ain’t gunna be pretty. Just somewhat feminine, apparently.